struggle, love, and letting go
today i am struggling. with the elbows that dug into my belly and hips to work out the knots, with the cold air that creeps up on my neck, with the hormone withdrawal that leaves me wanting a hermitage i can retreat to for a few days. but most of all, with this thought:
if i let go of what i love too fiercely, it will come back to me if it was ever true.
i struggle with the thought that it might not be true, and that, having let it go, i will lose it.
i struggle with deciding whether this old proverb fits the occasion - if it does not, letting go might be akin to saying, i don't care anymore, in which case i will also lose what i love.
i struggle with the confusion of this not-so-merry-go-round situation.
i am afraid to let go. i am afraid to cling too tightly. i am afraid to be who i want to be with this thing i love.
is it what i thought it was?
doubt is a ghost that hangs out with me a lot these days, especially now, when the cycle of life within me is ending, preparing to start anew.
i do not know whether i will let go. i will wait a while before i decide. maybe the question will be transcended entirely - made moot - by another state of mind.
if i let go of what i love too fiercely, it will come back to me if it was ever true.
i struggle with the thought that it might not be true, and that, having let it go, i will lose it.
i struggle with deciding whether this old proverb fits the occasion - if it does not, letting go might be akin to saying, i don't care anymore, in which case i will also lose what i love.
i struggle with the confusion of this not-so-merry-go-round situation.
i am afraid to let go. i am afraid to cling too tightly. i am afraid to be who i want to be with this thing i love.
is it what i thought it was?
doubt is a ghost that hangs out with me a lot these days, especially now, when the cycle of life within me is ending, preparing to start anew.
i do not know whether i will let go. i will wait a while before i decide. maybe the question will be transcended entirely - made moot - by another state of mind.
2 Comments:
the trick, i find, is to follow my instincts. but ... only after i have removed the confounding variables (yes, i'm in statistics) - those things that interfere with the interpretation of the instinct. fear is probably the biggest and hardest to let go of. fear keeps me safe. fear restricts me.
you didn't ask for my opinion, and i have no idea what you are specifically talking about here, but in general i think if you love yourself the most and do what is right for you, the love you hold so dear will find you. it may not take the same form you imagined, but it will find you.
my new mantra is 'let go'. let go of the control i trick myself into thinking i have on my world. let go of restriction. let go of judgement. let it flow. we are energetic beings and we aren't meant to be restricted. let it flow.
there's a voice somewhere inside you that has been telling you the right thing to do. and only you know what is best for you. listen.
thanks for your thoughtfulness. the counfounding variables are apparent, but not removable, so they still confound me. i am thinking of letting go in a somewhat different sense now, thanks in part to your thoughts on the matter. learning to be a river (what is flowing) as well as the bedrock (the vessel through which one flows) sure is a lifelong journey. i'm glad you're here to share it with me.
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